Oh Yes, I'm the Great Complainer

I spent most of my life being a complainer. I mean, I had stuff to complain about yes, and the complaints I had were 100% valid. I had a lot of trauma that overtook my life and for a really long time, I thought it would NEVER END. It hasn't ended but I've done the work and I feel like I can live my life without the trauma shaping it now. If I'm being honest, it's a strange feeling. 

I grew so used to suffering and being in emotional pain...then, I developed fibromyalgia and had to learn to get used to physical pain on top of the emotional pain.  It seemed like my whole life was suffering, from one thing or another and I tried to kill myself back in January of 2024. I gave myself an overdose of insulin...a whole vial. It didn't work. All it did was upset people in my life. I. Was. Pissed. 

WHY??? WHY CANT I JUST FUCKING DIE?? I really thought that. All of it resulted in chronic heart failure and gaining so much weight that I could barely breathe or walk. Was it worth it? Probably not directly, but at the same time, I started taking better care of myself...for me? I dunno. *shrug*

I went to visit my friend in Florida and I had told her that I wanted to get in her pool. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I have OCD triggered by a gross waterpark when I was a kid. I hadn't swam in 30 years, no matter how hard my friends tried to get me to. It never even crossed my mind to go swimming. Then, I got the 5-year headache and they gave me quetiapine (serequel) for the headaches, which I think sort of helped, so I kept taking it. Well, it helped with my OCD!

It's an antipsychotic medication that tamed my stupid OCD psychosis enough so I could get a fish tank! A FUCKING FISH TANK! That's the dirtiest water and I was able to dip my arm in, (given I had no open wounds) and take care of it. I still surgeon scrubbed my arms after, but I could DO IT. Unheard of before the meds.

As the years went by and I continued to keep fish, (which, BTW are cool little critters. Lots of personality.) I started to reconsider going swimming. This process took about 10 years but when I went to Florida, I wanted to swim. Now, my friend there has been one of my besties since we were in high school and she doesn't put up with my bullshit, although, she obliged when I asked for pictures of her pool to pump myself up about it. She knows about my psychosis. 

Nevertheless, when I got there, she said "Go get in the pool!!" She'd gone through my process and had to use tough love and I'll say this, "THANK YOU, GIRL!!!" I got in tgat pool and practically stayed there the entire trip. I even went into the ocean twice, and I will never do that again. 

Since then, I've continued to swim, almost every day and have list about 85 pounds. Granted, a lot of that is due to a lack of appetite but whatever. (I eat, just not that much.) I have to exercise now. I've never been am exercise person before but I have extra pain if I don't swim. I move into my new place on the 28th of this month and have 2 pools right outside my front door. I'm so excited! 

This is a post dedicated to my friend who literally saved my life. My heart is healthy, I continue to lose weight, and most importantly, I FEEL GOOD. I have so many great people in my life and I'm so fucking thankful for every blessing. 

I'm no longer the great complainer. I feel so humbled and grateful. I don't understand it but I'll take it!

Instinct Vs. Free Will

 I've been listening to Letters From the Earth by Mark Twain, (read by Carl Reiner, RIP) and it got me thinking about the free will that we were "given". 

Free will. It means the capacity of humans to make choices and direct their actions independently of outside forces, physical determinism, or divine preordination. [1] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_will), [2] (https://www.dictionary.com/browse/free-will)

It's both a good and bad idea. I mean, look at what and where free will has gotten us. We've destroyed this planet, and turned someone in charge of earth against us, caused billions of deaths from war, and that's all humanity! 

I sit outside, watching the wildlife who just survive on perfected instincts to thrive... 

Now, I'm not saying instinct is perfect, there are definitely some evolutionary failures out there. The giant panda evolved to be good at falling out of trees with grace but otherwise, cuteness is they're survival instinct...which I guess COULD be an evolutionary move for the sake of their survival...hmm. 

But I digress. Evolution created the fucking Tarantula Hawk wasp. That motherfucker stings and paralyzes a tarantula, then drags it back to its nest and the larvae feed on the tarantula while it's alive and paralyzed until the larvae are ready to turn into adults. That's some fucked up shit right there! What a horrible way to live and die. I feel like when the universe was handing out jobs and said "okay, we just need one more volunteer to be a predator to the tarantula." Everyone else stepped back except the wasp.  The wasp was like "hold my beer".

Again, I digress. My point is that all of these creatures that I watch are specialized in SOMETHING. I wish I was specialized in that way, sometimes. Then again, I am good at a lot of specialized things. I am at expert level in technology, cat and dog care, report with senior citizens, I'mgoid at crocheting...and I might be a bee charmer.

And who knows if instinctive creatures have any kind of free will. Bees are attracted to me and just crawl around on me without any fear. I talk to them and they seem to be responsive. Remember what I said about being a good human? I'm not saying I'm perfect at all, but I think I have a handle on how to treat nature. Live and let live, I say. Nothing deserves to die just for existing...except ants when they get in my car. I went to battle with a bottle of Windex on those assholes.

But that ant colony is massive, so they'll be fine.

I guess for me, I'm luke my dad. I've always wanted to know what my purpose is. Some creatures have no purpose. They just exist to put negative energy out into the world. Crane flies...have no purpose. They do not pollinate, they do not even have mouths as adults. They only exist to lay their eggs so the larvae can destroy lawns. And again, MAYBE that's an evolutionary move too? Lawns are harmful to the ecosystem, not to mention the shit people put on their lawns...maybe crane flies are the evolutionary choice?

 It's kind of a mind-fuck. What's intentional and what's accidental? Maybe we do all have a purpose, or maybe only those of us who try our best get rewarded with a purpose? I have a lot of friends who are trying to be good humans every day and deserve to know their value in this insane world. I wish that for the people I love. They make my life better, just by existing. 

It was a beautiful night. 

What A Crazy Fucking Time to be Alive!!!

 I've always lived inside my head. I've imagined some crazy-ass scenarios that seemed totally wild but also totally possible. I even have recurring locations in my dreams that I remember, each time I'm there. I know all the secrets now! 

But as I sit here, drinking my Stella Artois, smoking a cigarette and watching the lightning storm, I keep thinking back on the things I heard and read today, and I can't help thinking, "what a weird fucking time to be alive!" 

For real, though. There is a literal psychopath running both this country AND this world into the fucking ground and NO ONE IS DOING 

ANYTHING ABOUT IT! I don't even know how to feel anymore, honestly. I won't go down that rabbit hole because I'm sure that I won't say anything you aren't already aware of. But I will say this... 

The psychopath-in-cheif does not care about being loved or ev
en liked. He's a narcissist and 

therefore, wants and more importantly NEEDS attention. That's all. Stop giving him that and he fizzles out. Been saying it for years. Thanks Reality TV. 

So, what now? The entire world has turned against us, we have a new, shiny enemy that literally has a bounty out, prices are so high for food that I'm actually glad I barely have an appetite. Generally I take 3 bites of anything and I'm done.

. 

Anyway, As I said, I don't know how to feel. All of this seems so surreal. Of course I'm disappointed and angry but also, I feel helpless...which is probably exactly what they want us to feel.

. 

So, here's what I'm trying to do. 

• Enjoy whatever you can. Find joy in something everyday. I love all the wildlife and appreciation for wildlife here. 
• BREATHE. Seriously, it's really important. 
• Appreciate what you have. I have my cats, friends and my family. 
• BREATHE 
• Be a good human. I'm not a Christian but there's something to the Jesus Christ character. I believe his teachings are this: Don't be a dick. 

So there you go. Don't be a dick. Find joy. And most importantly, BREATHE. It's gonna be okay.

Turning 35, What I've Learned and What I'm Thankful For

Today I turned 35 years old and I've learned a few more important things this year. Some would think that I would be at rock bottom, having had headaches everyday for almost 2 years, living with my parents and dealing with appetite loss and general sickness for so long, but I think I'm actually pretty lucky. Yes, I've been depressed here and there, had my spells of crying all night because I'm tired of feeling so bad, but on the hand, things could still be worse. If I hadn't been living with my parents, I may have been even more depressed just by being alone and suffering so much, so having their support this whole time has definitely been a blessing. Also, I have really great friends! The kind who never change, never spend any time with small talk, who are always there, even when I don't see them for months at a time, the minute we are in the same room it's like not a day has passed, and that is magical for me. I've got a really great job. I get to help animals all day long, pet puppies and kittens and I work with really cool people. I did manage to get promoted even through these headaches and sickness, which I think is quite and accomplishment....and my cats are soft and keep me company.

Some of my friends have been unlucky enough to be called on my be when I'm really down and depressed and for that I'm sort of sorry...on the other hand, the fact that I came to you means you are something special, so keep that in mind.

I've come to realize that these headaches and this sickness is just going to be my life now, and that sucks...but with a chronic pain manager I will deal with it. So I will take narcotics every day, I'm sure there are worse things. As for this appetite loss, I've been wanting to lose weight, so this is helping. Maybe someday a doctor will figure out why this is happening, but until then, I'm going to try to celebrate my 35th year and not dwell on the ugly parts of life as much. That's my 35th birthday pledge. Hopefully I will get to see my friends more often because as much as loud bars hurt my head, it's worth it.  

Deleting Pictures and People.

I keep pictures as reminders of memories, but when the memories are too painful, I tend to destroy the pictures. I don't see any sense in keeping them around, when all they do is make me sad or mad or regretful or resentful. Am I wrong? I am not THAT sentimental that I need to torture myself with bad memories. I used to burn photographs and mementos, but now, in the digital age, I simply scroll and delete. Emails, photos, bookmarks.

Sometimes, I do the same thing with people.I occasionally go through my collection of Facebook people and try to justify their presence in my list. Do you ever do that? I'm sure you do. Facebook has brought me together with some people that I actually missed, and also has brought me back to people I'd completely forgotten about...and sometimes, has brought me together with people I didn't really like in the first place, yet they want to be my "friend". Why, if we weren't friends in real life, would I want to pretend to be friends now, in a new format? If you didn't like me then, I don't think you will now, I'm much less pleasant than I used to be. As I get older, I get more cynical and less tolerant of just about every human flaw. I have realized, however, that some people I really liked once upon a time, are still pretty fucking awesome and am super happy I reconnected via social media...others, I liked once upon a time but am realizing I don't really now. Awkward. Oh well...relationships have a way of working out or simply ending.

Every have a relationship that ended and you say "oh thank goodness!"? Then another one at the same time that you don't want to end, but you can feel it ending anyway? Do you delete the pictures and emails when you DON'T want the relationship to end??? Even though it's easier to NOT run into those pictures any longer? I don't know either. Do you take time to see how someone is doing when just the sound of their voice or even a one sentence text message makes your heart break all over again? OR do you shrug it off and go and enjoy the relationships that make you smile? I like those relationships...I believe that those people in my life know who they are and will read this without questioning my love for them.

I have about 400 more pictures to go through...I've deleted about 700 and believe it's time to start spending more time with people who's pictures seem to stand the test of my time. Yep. That's my plan.

AR

I'm Good.

Hello, hello!

This is my attempt at creating a blog that does NOT hyper-focus on one topic, but rather, includes all aspects of life, love, hate and all the other nonsense that floats around inside my head. 

My last blog was supposed to do that, however, I was so sick that that was all I could write about and who wants to read about me being sick all the damn time? Not me! I also considered rebooting my Spinster blog, but that one made some people uncomfortable as it was mostly about sex...SO! Here I am. On my way to being healthy again, not feeling like I'm dying, completely sure that there is NO cancer in my body and with a great team of docs to help me with the issues I still have. 

But enough about that...my last post on my Spinster blog was about how I'd finally found love and my days of spinsterhood were over...well, being so sick, apparently made me too needy and that ended a week before my birthday. So back to spinsterhood for me. 

These past experiences have given me a new outlook on my life...and no, I won't be bombarding you with inspirational anecdotes about overcoming adversity and all that bullshit...no, I just realized that life can change whether we want it to or not and sometimes it sucks...but there are always other things that make it a little easier. Sure I had to drop out of school because my headaches won't let me make video games...HOWEVER, I hate video games so who fucking cares? Being in art school made me want to make actual art...and taught me how to use Photoshop and Maya, so AWESOME! And sure, the love of my life decided he didn't like his title, and bailed, but now I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I choose! So that's cool. Although, the medication I'm on has pretty much killed my sex drive...oh well. I don't like obligation anyway. And at least I have a great job that I love. Oh sure it's just retail, but I get to pet dogs all day long and give people my opinion...and we all know how much I LOVE giving my opinion! And although I still live with my parents, I'm actively seeking a way out and may have a few options. So there. Not so bad. 

It's almost election day! I do enjoy politics. Everyone is out of town this week. The house is quiet, aside from a lot of kitty talk. My chopped up nipple is healing and tomorrow is trivia night! AND...I have a 2 hour special on Caligula to watch!

My philosophy is simple; expect the worst and anything better will be a pleasant surprise and if it IS the worst, then it won't be a surprise at all...otherwise, just take each moment as it comes...fuck it. It's probably not that serious.