Oh Yes, I'm the Great Complainer

I spent most of my life being a complainer. I mean, I had stuff to complain about yes, and the complaints I had were 100% valid. I had a lot of trauma that overtook my life and for a really long time, I thought it would NEVER END. It hasn't ended but I've done the work and I feel like I can live my life without the trauma shaping it now. If I'm being honest, it's a strange feeling. 

I grew so used to suffering and being in emotional pain...then, I developed fibromyalgia and had to learn to get used to physical pain on top of the emotional pain.  It seemed like my whole life was suffering, from one thing or another and I tried to kill myself back in January of 2024. I gave myself an overdose of insulin...a whole vial. It didn't work. All it did was upset people in my life. I. Was. Pissed. 

WHY??? WHY CANT I JUST FUCKING DIE?? I really thought that. All of it resulted in chronic heart failure and gaining so much weight that I could barely breathe or walk. Was it worth it? Probably not directly, but at the same time, I started taking better care of myself...for me? I dunno. *shrug*

I went to visit my friend in Florida and I had told her that I wanted to get in her pool. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I have OCD triggered by a gross waterpark when I was a kid. I hadn't swam in 30 years, no matter how hard my friends tried to get me to. It never even crossed my mind to go swimming. Then, I got the 5-year headache and they gave me quetiapine (serequel) for the headaches, which I think sort of helped, so I kept taking it. Well, it helped with my OCD!

It's an antipsychotic medication that tamed my stupid OCD psychosis enough so I could get a fish tank! A FUCKING FISH TANK! That's the dirtiest water and I was able to dip my arm in, (given I had no open wounds) and take care of it. I still surgeon scrubbed my arms after, but I could DO IT. Unheard of before the meds.

As the years went by and I continued to keep fish, (which, BTW are cool little critters. Lots of personality.) I started to reconsider going swimming. This process took about 10 years but when I went to Florida, I wanted to swim. Now, my friend there has been one of my besties since we were in high school and she doesn't put up with my bullshit, although, she obliged when I asked for pictures of her pool to pump myself up about it. She knows about my psychosis. 

Nevertheless, when I got there, she said "Go get in the pool!!" She'd gone through my process and had to use tough love and I'll say this, "THANK YOU, GIRL!!!" I got in tgat pool and practically stayed there the entire trip. I even went into the ocean twice, and I will never do that again. 

Since then, I've continued to swim, almost every day and have list about 85 pounds. Granted, a lot of that is due to a lack of appetite but whatever. (I eat, just not that much.) I have to exercise now. I've never been am exercise person before but I have extra pain if I don't swim. I move into my new place on the 28th of this month and have 2 pools right outside my front door. I'm so excited! 

This is a post dedicated to my friend who literally saved my life. My heart is healthy, I continue to lose weight, and most importantly, I FEEL GOOD. I have so many great people in my life and I'm so fucking thankful for every blessing. 

I'm no longer the great complainer. I feel so humbled and grateful. I don't understand it but I'll take it!

Instinct Vs. Free Will

 I've been listening to Letters From the Earth by Mark Twain, (read by Carl Reiner, RIP) and it got me thinking about the free will that we were "given". 

Free will. It means the capacity of humans to make choices and direct their actions independently of outside forces, physical determinism, or divine preordination. [1] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_will), [2] (https://www.dictionary.com/browse/free-will)

It's both a good and bad idea. I mean, look at what and where free will has gotten us. We've destroyed this planet, and turned someone in charge of earth against us, caused billions of deaths from war, and that's all humanity! 

I sit outside, watching the wildlife who just survive on perfected instincts to thrive... 

Now, I'm not saying instinct is perfect, there are definitely some evolutionary failures out there. The giant panda evolved to be good at falling out of trees with grace but otherwise, cuteness is they're survival instinct...which I guess COULD be an evolutionary move for the sake of their survival...hmm. 

But I digress. Evolution created the fucking Tarantula Hawk wasp. That motherfucker stings and paralyzes a tarantula, then drags it back to its nest and the larvae feed on the tarantula while it's alive and paralyzed until the larvae are ready to turn into adults. That's some fucked up shit right there! What a horrible way to live and die. I feel like when the universe was handing out jobs and said "okay, we just need one more volunteer to be a predator to the tarantula." Everyone else stepped back except the wasp.  The wasp was like "hold my beer".

Again, I digress. My point is that all of these creatures that I watch are specialized in SOMETHING. I wish I was specialized in that way, sometimes. Then again, I am good at a lot of specialized things. I am at expert level in technology, cat and dog care, report with senior citizens, I'mgoid at crocheting...and I might be a bee charmer.

And who knows if instinctive creatures have any kind of free will. Bees are attracted to me and just crawl around on me without any fear. I talk to them and they seem to be responsive. Remember what I said about being a good human? I'm not saying I'm perfect at all, but I think I have a handle on how to treat nature. Live and let live, I say. Nothing deserves to die just for existing...except ants when they get in my car. I went to battle with a bottle of Windex on those assholes.

But that ant colony is massive, so they'll be fine.

I guess for me, I'm luke my dad. I've always wanted to know what my purpose is. Some creatures have no purpose. They just exist to put negative energy out into the world. Crane flies...have no purpose. They do not pollinate, they do not even have mouths as adults. They only exist to lay their eggs so the larvae can destroy lawns. And again, MAYBE that's an evolutionary move too? Lawns are harmful to the ecosystem, not to mention the shit people put on their lawns...maybe crane flies are the evolutionary choice?

 It's kind of a mind-fuck. What's intentional and what's accidental? Maybe we do all have a purpose, or maybe only those of us who try our best get rewarded with a purpose? I have a lot of friends who are trying to be good humans every day and deserve to know their value in this insane world. I wish that for the people I love. They make my life better, just by existing. 

It was a beautiful night. 

What A Crazy Fucking Time to be Alive!!!

 I've always lived inside my head. I've imagined some crazy-ass scenarios that seemed totally wild but also totally possible. I even have recurring locations in my dreams that I remember, each time I'm there. I know all the secrets now! 

But as I sit here, drinking my Stella Artois, smoking a cigarette and watching the lightning storm, I keep thinking back on the things I heard and read today, and I can't help thinking, "what a weird fucking time to be alive!" 

For real, though. There is a literal psychopath running both this country AND this world into the fucking ground and NO ONE IS DOING 

ANYTHING ABOUT IT! I don't even know how to feel anymore, honestly. I won't go down that rabbit hole because I'm sure that I won't say anything you aren't already aware of. But I will say this... 

The psychopath-in-cheif does not care about being loved or ev
en liked. He's a narcissist and 

therefore, wants and more importantly NEEDS attention. That's all. Stop giving him that and he fizzles out. Been saying it for years. Thanks Reality TV. 

So, what now? The entire world has turned against us, we have a new, shiny enemy that literally has a bounty out, prices are so high for food that I'm actually glad I barely have an appetite. Generally I take 3 bites of anything and I'm done.

. 

Anyway, As I said, I don't know how to feel. All of this seems so surreal. Of course I'm disappointed and angry but also, I feel helpless...which is probably exactly what they want us to feel.

. 

So, here's what I'm trying to do. 

• Enjoy whatever you can. Find joy in something everyday. I love all the wildlife and appreciation for wildlife here. 
• BREATHE. Seriously, it's really important. 
• Appreciate what you have. I have my cats, friends and my family. 
• BREATHE 
• Be a good human. I'm not a Christian but there's something to the Jesus Christ character. I believe his teachings are this: Don't be a dick. 

So there you go. Don't be a dick. Find joy. And most importantly, BREATHE. It's gonna be okay.