I spent most of my life being a complainer. I mean, I had stuff to complain about yes, and the complaints I had were 100% valid. I had a lot of trauma that overtook my life and for a really long time, I thought it would NEVER END. It hasn't ended but I've done the work and I feel like I can live my life without the trauma shaping it now. If I'm being honest, it's a strange feeling.
I grew so used to suffering and being in emotional pain...then, I developed fibromyalgia and had to learn to get used to physical pain on top of the emotional pain. It seemed like my whole life was suffering, from one thing or another and I tried to kill myself back in January of 2024. I gave myself an overdose of insulin...a whole vial. It didn't work. All it did was upset people in my life. I. Was. Pissed.
WHY??? WHY CANT I JUST FUCKING DIE?? I really thought that. All of it resulted in chronic heart failure and gaining so much weight that I could barely breathe or walk. Was it worth it? Probably not directly, but at the same time, I started taking better care of myself...for me? I dunno. *shrug*
I went to visit my friend in Florida and I had told her that I wanted to get in her pool. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I have OCD triggered by a gross waterpark when I was a kid. I hadn't swam in 30 years, no matter how hard my friends tried to get me to. It never even crossed my mind to go swimming. Then, I got the 5-year headache and they gave me quetiapine (serequel) for the headaches, which I think sort of helped, so I kept taking it. Well, it helped with my OCD!
It's an antipsychotic medication that tamed my stupid OCD psychosis enough so I could get a fish tank! A FUCKING FISH TANK! That's the dirtiest water and I was able to dip my arm in, (given I had no open wounds) and take care of it. I still surgeon scrubbed my arms after, but I could DO IT. Unheard of before the meds.
As the years went by and I continued to keep fish, (which, BTW are cool little critters. Lots of personality.) I started to reconsider going swimming. This process took about 10 years but when I went to Florida, I wanted to swim. Now, my friend there has been one of my besties since we were in high school and she doesn't put up with my bullshit, although, she obliged when I asked for pictures of her pool to pump myself up about it. She knows about my psychosis.
Nevertheless, when I got there, she said "Go get in the pool!!" She'd gone through my process and had to use tough love and I'll say this, "THANK YOU, GIRL!!!" I got in tgat pool and practically stayed there the entire trip. I even went into the ocean twice, and I will never do that again.
Since then, I've continued to swim, almost every day and have list about 85 pounds. Granted, a lot of that is due to a lack of appetite but whatever. (I eat, just not that much.) I have to exercise now. I've never been am exercise person before but I have extra pain if I don't swim. I move into my new place on the 28th of this month and have 2 pools right outside my front door. I'm so excited!
This is a post dedicated to my friend who literally saved my life. My heart is healthy, I continue to lose weight, and most importantly, I FEEL GOOD. I have so many great people in my life and I'm so fucking thankful for every blessing.
I'm no longer the great complainer. I feel so humbled and grateful. I don't understand it but I'll take it!
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