Turning 35, What I've Learned and What I'm Thankful For

Today I turned 35 years old and I've learned a few more important things this year. Some would think that I would be at rock bottom, having had headaches everyday for almost 2 years, living with my parents and dealing with appetite loss and general sickness for so long, but I think I'm actually pretty lucky. Yes, I've been depressed here and there, had my spells of crying all night because I'm tired of feeling so bad, but on the hand, things could still be worse. If I hadn't been living with my parents, I may have been even more depressed just by being alone and suffering so much, so having their support this whole time has definitely been a blessing. Also, I have really great friends! The kind who never change, never spend any time with small talk, who are always there, even when I don't see them for months at a time, the minute we are in the same room it's like not a day has passed, and that is magical for me. I've got a really great job. I get to help animals all day long, pet puppies and kittens and I work with really cool people. I did manage to get promoted even through these headaches and sickness, which I think is quite and accomplishment....and my cats are soft and keep me company.

Some of my friends have been unlucky enough to be called on my be when I'm really down and depressed and for that I'm sort of sorry...on the other hand, the fact that I came to you means you are something special, so keep that in mind.

I've come to realize that these headaches and this sickness is just going to be my life now, and that sucks...but with a chronic pain manager I will deal with it. So I will take narcotics every day, I'm sure there are worse things. As for this appetite loss, I've been wanting to lose weight, so this is helping. Maybe someday a doctor will figure out why this is happening, but until then, I'm going to try to celebrate my 35th year and not dwell on the ugly parts of life as much. That's my 35th birthday pledge. Hopefully I will get to see my friends more often because as much as loud bars hurt my head, it's worth it.  

Deleting Pictures and People.

I keep pictures as reminders of memories, but when the memories are too painful, I tend to destroy the pictures. I don't see any sense in keeping them around, when all they do is make me sad or mad or regretful or resentful. Am I wrong? I am not THAT sentimental that I need to torture myself with bad memories. I used to burn photographs and mementos, but now, in the digital age, I simply scroll and delete. Emails, photos, bookmarks.

Sometimes, I do the same thing with people.I occasionally go through my collection of Facebook people and try to justify their presence in my list. Do you ever do that? I'm sure you do. Facebook has brought me together with some people that I actually missed, and also has brought me back to people I'd completely forgotten about...and sometimes, has brought me together with people I didn't really like in the first place, yet they want to be my "friend". Why, if we weren't friends in real life, would I want to pretend to be friends now, in a new format? If you didn't like me then, I don't think you will now, I'm much less pleasant than I used to be. As I get older, I get more cynical and less tolerant of just about every human flaw. I have realized, however, that some people I really liked once upon a time, are still pretty fucking awesome and am super happy I reconnected via social media...others, I liked once upon a time but am realizing I don't really now. Awkward. Oh well...relationships have a way of working out or simply ending.

Every have a relationship that ended and you say "oh thank goodness!"? Then another one at the same time that you don't want to end, but you can feel it ending anyway? Do you delete the pictures and emails when you DON'T want the relationship to end??? Even though it's easier to NOT run into those pictures any longer? I don't know either. Do you take time to see how someone is doing when just the sound of their voice or even a one sentence text message makes your heart break all over again? OR do you shrug it off and go and enjoy the relationships that make you smile? I like those relationships...I believe that those people in my life know who they are and will read this without questioning my love for them.

I have about 400 more pictures to go through...I've deleted about 700 and believe it's time to start spending more time with people who's pictures seem to stand the test of my time. Yep. That's my plan.

AR

I'm Good.

Hello, hello!

This is my attempt at creating a blog that does NOT hyper-focus on one topic, but rather, includes all aspects of life, love, hate and all the other nonsense that floats around inside my head. 

My last blog was supposed to do that, however, I was so sick that that was all I could write about and who wants to read about me being sick all the damn time? Not me! I also considered rebooting my Spinster blog, but that one made some people uncomfortable as it was mostly about sex...SO! Here I am. On my way to being healthy again, not feeling like I'm dying, completely sure that there is NO cancer in my body and with a great team of docs to help me with the issues I still have. 

But enough about that...my last post on my Spinster blog was about how I'd finally found love and my days of spinsterhood were over...well, being so sick, apparently made me too needy and that ended a week before my birthday. So back to spinsterhood for me. 

These past experiences have given me a new outlook on my life...and no, I won't be bombarding you with inspirational anecdotes about overcoming adversity and all that bullshit...no, I just realized that life can change whether we want it to or not and sometimes it sucks...but there are always other things that make it a little easier. Sure I had to drop out of school because my headaches won't let me make video games...HOWEVER, I hate video games so who fucking cares? Being in art school made me want to make actual art...and taught me how to use Photoshop and Maya, so AWESOME! And sure, the love of my life decided he didn't like his title, and bailed, but now I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I choose! So that's cool. Although, the medication I'm on has pretty much killed my sex drive...oh well. I don't like obligation anyway. And at least I have a great job that I love. Oh sure it's just retail, but I get to pet dogs all day long and give people my opinion...and we all know how much I LOVE giving my opinion! And although I still live with my parents, I'm actively seeking a way out and may have a few options. So there. Not so bad. 

It's almost election day! I do enjoy politics. Everyone is out of town this week. The house is quiet, aside from a lot of kitty talk. My chopped up nipple is healing and tomorrow is trivia night! AND...I have a 2 hour special on Caligula to watch!

My philosophy is simple; expect the worst and anything better will be a pleasant surprise and if it IS the worst, then it won't be a surprise at all...otherwise, just take each moment as it comes...fuck it. It's probably not that serious.